Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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