Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
there's paper in my vomit.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
