Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
