mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
