I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
