I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
