I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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