If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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