last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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