i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
