I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
