dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
