I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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