we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
