I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
