if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
