At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
