Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
