so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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