Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
