OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
