I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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