We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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