The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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