I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
