I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Is Oprah even human
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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