I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
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