god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
