I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
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