I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
MIDGETS
????
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
