I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
We are two peas in an std pod
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Randomize
