I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
