Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
