the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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