I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
He? As in you personified your dick?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
