my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
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