Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
You are the jesus of drinking
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
