oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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