i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
