How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
We're using joints as your birthday candles
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
