Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
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