Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I need moral support for this bender
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
