Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
