Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
