I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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