She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
