The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
