That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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