His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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