I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
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